It hurt too much, ever since I could remember for what I and most doctors thought, no reason. Good friends listened and ignored. Kind friends thought I was a hypochondriac. Other 'friends' thought I was trying to grab attention. A few wondered if there really was a problem. Only a handful had the empathy to know I was not pretending; not fibbing! I wouldn’t do that. That is just not who I am.
I shouldn’t really hold grudges. I shouldn’t judge. They didn’t know. Hell, I didn’t know! But I wish they had tried to know me better. And that I can’t get myself to forget!
Once the diagnosis for Lupus came in I lost many friends. Embarrassment is not conducive to maintaining or nurturing relationships. However I found new support in unexpected company. With an airtight excuse/reason to avoid gatherings, I became free of those from whom freedom was liberating.
I am polite. I am friendly and I care in spite of myself. But they no longer have ME.
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