This is Personal

A finite detailing of any being is not possible, except just for one moment in time. To get on in life, one needs to get over oneself.

Past is where you were. If you were a hero then, well you were a hero THEN. If you were a victim, it was THEN.

Now is a clean slate, NOW the decision has to be made as to who you are, because now is where you are.

My profile is therefore true for 22^nd September 2009, Tuesday. I am writing this at 11.16 pm. And by the time I post this, all my present and the way I view my past will have changed.

My life is all about how I never achieved what I wanted to.

Today, because of that, I am at peace.

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I wanted a career when I was young. In the previous generation of my family were Doctors, Chartered Accountants, Men in Uniforms, and Lawyers with a Chief Justice thrown in for good measure. There were controversial politicians. Very controversial. That I would become a professional of some sort was given.

It didn’t work out that way. My own opinions took on a life of their own, and refused to go along for the ride that others had put me on.

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Over the last 20 years I have worked in advertising, modeled, studied the concept of monastic religion evolving into the personal. I have translated into English the literature and poetry of a man whose writings won him the Noble Prize.

I have volunteered in orphanages and worked on adoption programmes, but found it impossible to continue because I never was able to match my thoughts with those of the institutions.

I am now old enough to face the truth. I lack the stamina and drive to deal in details. I can’t quibble over procedures, deal with beaurocrats, win allies and outwit opponents.

I also realize that I don’t really want the power I would get if I were able to do all those things. I don’t want to impose my thoughts for an ideal world, by my definition, on others by force.

I don’t begrudge others the power. I just don’t want to be forced to agree.

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Intricacies of the woven textile had always fascinated me. Why textiles? I have no idea.

As on a whim one day I started to look into some documentation about the history of fine textiles, I figured that the socio-economic evolution in any part of the world could be mapped through its textiles.

Pursuing those thoughts I made friends with a community of weavers who had historically woven a textile, the muslin that legends are made of. They are immigrants in this country - displaced because of community violence.

With them I tried to bring back into production our textile heritage – to find out if they could still be relevant to a market large enough to support them.

I wanted the weavers to be proud of the incredible aesthetics and dexterity they had inherited.

But competition with the current trend is too heavily stacked against them. The material costs are too expensive and the expertise much too rare, to compete against the deluge of gaudy glitter and easy taste that now permeates the market.

Demand does exist amongst the connoisseurs, but is not enough to provide a comfortable living for a meaningful number of families.

I have tried to push it to a niche market. But there are too many variables beyond my control, one of the variables being that I am lousy at running a business.

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My head now hurts. I never thought I’d write all this, let alone share.

In a day or two I hope to write the rest and post.