I am Learning to Accept

I am at the bottom of the ‘career’ options ladder now. I feel pretty good here. Contrary to the misgiving of others and myself, it’s not been difficult, not numbing. Not easy … but easier than hard.

One struggles while coming down the steps. Living high up on the ladder feels good. Bloody madness, but a kick all the same.

It’s flattering.

One’s ego begins to swell up into a personality so out of reach that one has to dig deep to find the reality. For a lucky few, the reality emerges from within. The struggle then is less prolonged, less exhausting.

I am one of those lucky ones.

As one climbs down to the lower rungs it takes a while to adjust. It can be either a descent into the well of a loss of self-esteem or liberation from a misplaced one.

I found myself right at the bottom – with some previous indication of what was to come, but finally without a choice.

I had been for long wanting to get out of the bubble I had created around myself, which had slowly begun to trap me in.

And without touching my consciousness my mind and body had both started to rebel against the lifestyle that personally for me should never have been. So subtle was the progress that it took me a long while to make any sense out of it, to know that my expectation from life had to change, that the bubble had begun to shrink. Then one day there was a plop and the bubble was gone.

It was unpleasant, disorienting and disappointing. To be ambitious and successful, that is the mantra of the world I was used to. To give up meant I had dropped out.

For months I floundered. A whole new identity needed acceptance. Introductions needed to be made, dates set up, compatibilities found, adjustments done.

Love at first sight is not what I experienced with the new me.

Yet one day I found there was more air around for me to breathe.

I can’t ignore the pain and the fear of what I will be up against every time a new symptom appears in my body, as it very often does. The frustration with the results of the laboratory tests is never easily accepted. Battling the side effects of the drugs is not a good feeling.

Most of all I hate living with the constant fear that my mind will suddenly go awry. That is something I will do anything to prevent.

All the same, I like the quiet of my mind.

I am free from the worry and the restlessness of many, many obligations and duties that weighed me down before.

I like the fact that now I have the time to be able to learn a classical language and read the old literature that always held a fascination for me.

I can now watch endless tennis on every time line without worrying about being unable to wake up and tired in the morning (the ATP Masters finals are on now). :)

Am I happy?

Yes. At a cost, but considering everything – it’s a good deal.

At least for now it is.