I Rock!

A friend I worked with more than two decades ago called me to invite us over for his wife’s 50^th birthday. H told him that I was not well, ‘had been home since March and wouldn’t be able to make it, but that H would certainly go. The friend then asked to speak to me.

He possibly thought I’d be quiet and reserved, and there I was happy to hear from him, happy to be speaking to him. He seemed surprised and commented on it.

And here’s the shocker! I told him that - it was just as well, because it would’ve been awful to be stuck at home and miserable at the same time!

I actually told him that. I mean it was not something I had prepared for or had ready to make a dialogue of if the occasion arose. It was a thought that came to me just then. It was absolutely spontaneous.

I have truly been happy since.

For a Bipolar person with a history of deep depression, - who is in an acute Lupus flare and so a great deal of pain, who is stuck in the house for months, when even short visits to the doctors make her feel worse, - to be genuinely cheerful and able to say that she is happy, rocks.

Yeh…! I rock!

And I refuse to give my psychiatrist any credit.

The flipside: -

- Monday and Tuesday evening I went to see my sister dance. Anybody who reads my blog will possibly remember that I am the very proud elder sister of an exquisite dancer. She doesn’t live in this city, so a performance here is a treat that I look forward to. I was not out for more than two and a half hours either evening, and that included the drive there and back. Then from Wednesday I have been feeling like rubbish. All the usual Lupus symptoms, but pretty much maxed out.

- This afternoon a friend called. She was in the vicinity and asked if she could come over. I don’t believe what I said. I actually asked her if she would mind if I said no because I really didn’t feel up to it. She was of course, very understanding. But it was not pleasant to realize how dependent I’ve become on my body. On a better day, if I am expecting someone, I can plan around it. I can have the pain medications at an appropriate time, eat and rest accordingly and be ready. Anything unexpected throws me. But today was not a ‘better’ day and I would have cancelled planned meetings too.

Ho hum! I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am not feeling sorry for myself!